50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden...
Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss
1. Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
2. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
3. Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
4. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
5. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
6. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
7. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
8. Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
9. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
10. Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
11. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
12. Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
13. Mine his bathroom.
14. Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".
15. Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
16. Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.
17. Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.
18. Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
19. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity."
20. Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
21. Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."
22. Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
23. Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
24. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
25. Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
26. Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
27. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.
28. Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
29. Mix up his Rubik's Cube.
30. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
31. Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
32. Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust.
33. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
34. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
35. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
36. Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
37. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
38. Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
39. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."
40. Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
41. Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.
42. Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
43. Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
44. Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
45. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
46. Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
47. Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
48. Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
49. Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
50. When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"
*Some translational notes for non-Americans: a "noogie" is a painful head rub administered to the scalp while holding someone's head in an arm-lock; a "wedgie" involves grabbing the back of their underwear and hoisting it up until they squeal; a "swirlie" involves being dunked head-first in a running flush toilet. See what you missed by not attending school in the States? ;)
Afghani TV Guide
MONDAY
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAY:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Infidel Slayer"
WEDNESDAY:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When The Northern Alliance Attacks"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAY:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAY:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
Bin Laden vs Aladdin
What's the difference between bin Laden and Aladdin?
Aladdin had 3 wishes and bin Laden only has 1 - a death wish.
Bin Laden vs Custer
What do Osama bin Laden and Custer have in common?
They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming from
Bin Laden's Rusky Proposition
Osama bin Laden threatened Russia:
If you get caught up in this war... I'll hide from you too!
Bin Laid
How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
He marks the camels that kick.
Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"
Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.'"
What's the most famous coffee in Afghanistan?
Osama bin Latte
George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!"
George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?"
Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful."
George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street."
Osama asks, "And what do they say?"
George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"
Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?
Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.
Why don't the members of Al Qaeda go out to bars?
Because they can get bombed at home.
What's the national bird of Afghanistan?
DUCK!!!
Do you know how we can get Osama bin Laden?
Lace a bunch of Watchtower magazines with anthrax and send the Jehovah Witnesses in after him. Those people can find anybody!
How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
He marks the camels that kick.
Did you know they are taking out all the K-Marts in Afghanistan?
They are putting in TARGETS!!!
Why did Osama bin Laden cross the road?
He didn't. They don't have roads.
What do Osama bin Laden and crabs have in common?
They both irritate Bush.
Osama bin Laden threatened Russia:
If you get caught up in this war... I'll hide from you too!
What is Osama bin Laden's favorite football team?
The New York Jets!
What's funner then nailing bin Laden to a tree?
Feeding his lifeless corpse into a meat grinder.
My answer to "What to do with Bin Laden?"
Well, this sounds good to me. It would be true poetic justice:
Killing him will only create a martyr.
Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.
Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the Secret Service, Navy Seals, or whomever
covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital,
and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation.
Then we return "her" to Afghanistan
to live as a woman under the Taliban.
What's the difference between bin Laden and Aladdin?
Aladdin had 3 wishes and bin Laden only has 1 - a death wish.
What do Osama bin Laden and Custer have in common?
They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming from.
How do you stop a Taliban tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it!
Why did Osama bin Laden visit Mount Sinai?
He wanted to see the burning Bush.
What do bin Laden and Fred Flintstone have in common?
They both look out of their caves and see Rubble.
What do you call Osama bin Laden buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
Three guys:
a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.
The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
